Wednesday, 15 June 2016

I Can't Sleep

(This post is a sort of confessional word vomit, you have been warned.)

Hey there, internet.

I've been neglectful of you, as usual. But don't worry, I'm not going to parrot "apologies for the lack of post, I've been really busy, PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME I CAN CHANGE"-type stuff. We've all got lives and other things going on, so I know you'll forgive me.

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to someone else? I've been doing a lot of it lately, this one girl in particular. We met and got on quite well initially. She talked constantly about herself and thought she was the best thing to grace the planet, but I had this weird admiration thing going on. She had lots of books and a sewing machine, and cross-stitched rude words, and wore big woollen jumpers. Essentially, I liked her life. Not even her life, just her possessions. Mostly because I lived in a horrible student house and had to leave most of my things with my parents, so my home wasn't very homely. I loved the idea of having boxes full of crafty stuff and cosying up on a sofa with a cup of tea surrounded by bookshelves. In short, we had a lot in common. We liked the same things, just she had those things and I didn't.

But here's where it all went wrong: she had this boyfriend. This man honestly gave me butterflies. She and I liked the same things a little too much. They'd been together for years, but more like friends, they hadn't had sex for a year. They argued constantly, but to an outsider it looked like they had a spunky and interesting relationship.

She and I look very different. She's tall, I'm short. She's flat-chested and super thin, I'm busty and more muscular. She has tattoos and piercings, I don't even have my ears pierced. She wears thick black eyeliner, I go without. She's what they would call an "alternative" type, I'm more of a "girl next door" type. So naturally, I assume that's the kind of girl he likes, and I put him out of my mind because I'm "not his type."

It turns out that I'm exactly his type, exactly what he's been looking for. He sees them as more of a business partnership and not romantic, and assumed she feels the same. But she loves him, and when they break up all that self-confidence crumples. I won't say much about it, but she goes full on ex-girlfriend crazy. Underneath she's just as insecure as the rest of us, and she tries to fix it by taking it out on me. I understand why, but I've been nothing but respectful. I asked her permission and she told me many times she was happy with it and she didn't care. When the insults and thinly veiled threats and the many attempts to make me doubt him fail, she cuts herself off from everything. She runs away from an entire group of friends, moves back in with her parents, tries to spread rumours from afar.

That's some of why last year was the worst and yet the best. I'm with the love of my life now, but I ruined hers. They say that all is fair in love and war, but I've never had to be on the losing side of the battle and can only imagine how terrible it feels.

I still find myself checking up on her online, partly through curiosity and partly because I still somehow admire her. I see something of myself there that I'm not sure of. She was vindictive and cruel and tried to take revenge, but then I'm not all that nice either. She's got a new boyfriend now, and she's surrounded herself with bookshelves again. I'm happy for her, and yet still ever so slightly jealous.

I've never tried to vocalise these feelings before, anonymity helps when you're feeling confessional.

Goodnight, sleep tight.

Little Limpet

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